Having Fun Again


I went out twice this weekend.  Once without Paul for the first time in a long time and the second time Paul and I went out with a group of friends.  I enjoyed myself tremendously both nights.  The first night I accompanied some friends of mine to their company Christmas party (which happened to be an old employer of mine) and there were several people at the party that attended some of Joaquin’s services.  And I couldn’t help but wonder – was anybody judging me?  As I posted pictures of myself smiling on Facebook I wondered if some people that viewed those pictures thought “Oh wow…she’s out already?”.

Winks 2013

The next night was a bit different as we attended a fundraiser as we had for the previous three years for a non-profit rehabilitation clinic for children that Joaquin attended for the first year and a half of his life.  Attending this event means a lot to me and Paul as we are grateful for the services they provided Joaquin and other children in the community.  And I as greeted people in the lobby I felt like I had to explain my presence there.

But I shouldn’t have to.  And I shouldn’t have to feel guilty.  And I shouldn’t have to wonder what people are thinking of us.  Because to be honest, just because we’re laughing and smiling and yes, having a drink or two doesn’t mean that we’re handling things well or that we look really good considering what we’ve been through.  Do you know that after things die down, I sit and cry?  Do you know that when Paul and I are left alone in the silence we stare at pictures of our boy and wonder how this happened to us. Do you know that it takes every ounce of strength to not let Joaquin’s memory cloud by mind on a good night out?  Do you know that I see Joaquin everywhere and that sometimes it makes me smile but sometimes it also makes one lone tear sneak out of my eye?  Do you know that we cry just as much as we  laugh these days?  So yes, I will go out.  And yes, I love to laugh.  And you know what?  Paul and I are going on a trip without Alejandro in May.  I’ll be the first to tell you that being rowdy is not on the top of something I want to participate in but after all that we’ve been through I would say that Paul and I deserve it.  I just want to smile.  We’re allowed to smile.  We’re allowed to enjoy ourselves in the presence of great friends.  And in my opinion that’s just another way that God is gracing us.  So if anybody ever wonders what we’re doing out there having what seems like a good time, I hope that they just thank God that he’s allowing laughter back in our lives.  I know I am.

Mistletoe and Martini 2013


10 thoughts on “Having Fun Again

  1. I was so happy when I saw that you were out and having a good time. Let those who judge you live their miserable lives the way they want to. Only people who are unhappy wonder how someone who has been through what you have can and still have a good time. . They probably cry and ask “why me?” when they get a paper cut. Joaquin fought for his life. He would not want you to waste yours by being miserable and alone. Besides, we don’t live in the Victorian Era Those people need to use you as an example and get a life.!

  2. Hay algo que Joaquin me enseño, y eso fue a “REÍR”!! Eso es lo que Joaquín quiere para su mama y su papa; el los quiere ver FELICES Y SONRIENDO!!! Así como todos nosotros!! Love u friend!!

  3. Hooray! I’m happy that you were able to get out some – smiling and even laughing doesn’t mean you have forgotten – it just means that for a few minutes you are trying to be happy!!!

  4. Well said my sweet, dear friend. I am so happy that you and Paul are able to smile and have a good time. Don’t ever worry what other people think about you because people who judge are people who are not happy with themselves.

  5. It is great that you are out having fun and enjoying the evenings. Noone should be judging you or Paul. You have every right to have fun, and Joaquin loves to see both of you smile and laugh. He loves to see his parents and brother have a wonderful time and happy. We, your friends and family, should be supporting you and motivating you, Paul, and Alejandro. You have your sad memories and its ok to cry and your happy memories, you should smile, laugh, and be yourself. It is ok to have an adult date only, vacations only with no children cuz it reconnects both, husband and wife. On your trip, have any amazing time. People should not make you feel sad in anyway or judge you. God is the only one that has a right to judge us.

  6. Most people spend their days judging others and gossiping. To hell with all of them. Many are envious that you have found God’s grace in all that you have been through. Only you and Paul can live your lives and find your way– a new path. I admire your strength and think of you often.

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