Facing The Facts

4 Comments

The time has come.  It can no longer be avoided.  I can no longer go on living like this.  Yes, it’s true.  My clothes no longer fit.  Although I have much, much bigger things to worry about I still have to face the facts.  As I mentioned in a previous post, the only work clothes that fit are my black, skinny stretchy pants and some black slacks that were fitting ok until Friday.  On Friday I felt the dreaded tightness around my waist.  I know what you’re going to say, “Christie, you’re grieving!!  This is not the time”.  Uh yeah, when will it be the time??  When I have to wear sweatpants to work?  The days of eating anything I can get my hands on has to be done my friends.

Now if you know me well, you know that I love food way too much to starve myself.  So trying to lose 20 pounds just isn’t going to happen.  As a matter of fact, I have come to terms that I am not going to weigh 135 pounds any time soon.  I could but I know that I have to really alter my eating habits and work out a bit harder.  And even at that, sometimes it’s unattainable.  Just this weekend I ran into a friend who just had a baby about 4 months.  Upon seeing her I thought she looked great for having a baby not too long ago.  She was grateful when I told her so as she admitted that she’s been too hard on herself for trying to get back to her old shape even with limiting her food intake and increasing her workouts.  Truth be told, my friend looked beautiful and perfect.  She may not “think” she’s where she needs to be but I can guarantee her husband does!

That said, I know I would love the way I look weighing 20 pounds less than I do now but the fact is that I no longer have a 20 something year old body.  As it is, my mind has aged 20 years since losing Joaquin.  And grief is such a heavy weight that it makes it even harder to get motivated. But I never found it necessary to spend an hour at the gym if it meant I was going to be away from my boys and you better believe I’m not going to start now.  I’ll be active alongside Alejandro (especially if it means being outdoors) but I want to leave him memories like the ones I left Joaquin.  I want Alejandro to remember his mom actively being there for him.  Please don’t read into this and think that I do not need “me” time because I do.  But when I choose me time or time with my friends, I choose it wisely.  I ask for lunch dates when I know Alejandro is at school.  I go get my nails done when I know Paul will be home with him.  And when we go out, I would rather leave Alejandro at my parents house and go to a friend’s place for a nice dinner in.  The time will come when I will go out to livelier places but these days, more so than ever, my heart is at home.  So for this lady, home trumps hour long workouts any old day!

And because I know I need to lose 10 pounds and get healthier I will choose my time wisely starting today and although I will eat somewhat better (no more tortillas everyday at lunchtime) I will not obsess over my body.  Watching Joaquin’s earthly life end so suddenly makes me realize that life is so short and precious that I simply cannot afford to.  What I choose is making time for my prayer life, my family, bettering my mind, serving my community and spending time with those that I care about the most.  I am not an actress, nor a model.  I do not get paid to look good.  I am a mom.  I am wife.   And my boys love me just the way I am.

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4 thoughts on “Facing The Facts

  1. Of course they love you the way you are – you are perfect just as you are. I think that you are approaching this in a super healthy manor – more to feel better than anything else!!
    Good luck – wish I could help but I can support you from a distance!!

  2. I cannot imagine the mixed feelings you are going through. I think your blog really helps people understand the process of grief and your writing is incredible. Like Kim, I think you are beautiful just the way you are. But I have gone through times of depression/grief (though I cannot in any way compare mine to yours). I have to say that the weight doesn’t matter as much as how at times exercise lifts my spirit. I don’t think going to the gym is always necessary to get that physical release. I love doing yoga stretches at home on my mat when I’m too busy to get to the gym, doing free weights, push-ups, short walks around my neighborhood, etc. I also LOVE food, but have learned to fill up on healthier versions of what I used to eat. I have noticed that healthier food and exercise do affect my outlook, and I’m hoping that maybe you might notice a little “spirit lift” as I have. My prayers are with you and your family.

    • Hi Erica! You’re absolutely right. I really am not finding the need to go to the gym. I am just wanting to feel more connected so that means, walking outdoors, yoga, meditation. I feel like I am exercising my soul more. But walking outdoors and yoga can certainly help my body a bit too! 🙂

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