Yesterday I woke up and wondered as I lay in bed. Why wasn’t I crying? I began to worry. What was wrong with me? Surely, there has to be SOMETHING wrong with me. My mind began to race. Perhaps I needed to go talk to my priest. Or start therapy. But soon after, I turned over and saw Alejandro. And the tears started to roll.
My sweet angel Joaquin was probably sent once more to me to let me know that he’s ok. Actually – he’s more than ok. I imagine he’s a bit upset at me because God keeps sending him to deliver messages when all he wants to do is play because Heaven is the ultimate playground. Sorry baby boy, but mommy will be working you on overtime this first year. But since you never get tired in Heaven, I know you’ll understand and will still have time to play.
It’s like Joaquin came down and pushed his sweet angel wings towards my face and made me look at his big brother. Alejandro is hurting. If people look at me at wonder why I am so strong, it’s because of this. One child may have gone to Heaven but our other child is still very much on earth. And children need their parents. We need to protect them. We need to dry their tears. We need to help them remember. We need to help them smile again.
I did all of this and then some when Joaquin spent his last days at Driscoll Children’s Hospital. I stayed by his bedside almost every single minute all the way until the very end. I fought and questioned the doctors and nurses every step of the way, constantly wondering if they were just plain wrong. I dried his tears before they wheeled him away to the surgery that would end up taking his life. And while he lay there, hooked up to machines fighting for his life, I whispered sweet memories that I was positive would rouse from his deep sleep. I tried my hardest to make him smile again.
But God took care of all of that in the end. And now my journey continues here on earth. My parents, my husband’s parents, Alejandro’s aunts, uncles and Godparents did all of that for Alejandro when we needed them the most. But it’s my turn now. Momma bear is here. And I will fight for him now.
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