If you read my post yesterday, you know that I experienced a connection to God and Joaquin like never before on Monday afternoon. This connection left me so peaceful that I felt extremely energized. I fell asleep for the first time ever on Monday night with no tears in my eyes. And what followed was confusing. I tossed and turned throughout the night. So much for inner peace. But I wasn’t torn or sad. I just couldn’t sleep. I was just confused. I felt guilty.
My son died almost 3.5 weeks ago and I am not crying myself to sleep for the first time ever? How can that be? Is it possible that I’m forgetting him?? I continued to toss and turn and I when I finally fell asleep I realized that I started to remember my dreams again. I hadn’t been able to recall any dreams since Joaquin died. But I recall them now. Joaquin isn’t in my dreams but I at least know that my dreams have returned. When I woke up on Tuesday I woke up feeling very different. I didn’t feel like I was floating. Or dreaming. And things didn’t seem surreal anymore. I felt energized. But the confusion lingers.
When I finally spoke to a friend who has experienced the loss of a child as well, I quickly told her my experience and I immediately felt bad for doing so. Was it wrong to share my “awesome/peaceful” experience with her so soon? Would she hate me? I apologized for doing so as I realized that perhaps she had yet to find inner peace and I shared my guilt from the night before and I asked if it was remotely possible that I was forgetting Joaquin (yes, conversations with other moms that have lost a child are crazy like this…the words just spill out between us – no filter and no walking on eggshells when the topic is death)? She assured me no all across the board. She has had her moments of peace and she assured me that what I am experiencing is that I am adjusting to my new normal and that heck no – I am NOT forgetting Joaquin. I was told that my tears would return soon. They won’t come as often but they will always be there. I don’t want to cry forever but I most definitely don’t ever want stop thinking about my sweet boy.
Later that Tuesday evening I did something that I hadn’t done in 4 months. I was still feeling energized and I was longing to feel that connection to God and Joaquin. I dug out my running shoes, changed my clothes, left my music behind and walked out the door. I started off with a very slow walk and slowly began to jog. My legs felt heavier than usual. Very unlike the first time I attempted jogging at the beginning of the year. But as I switched gears between jogging and walking I realized something that I had never experienced before. I could listen. Clearly. The sounds were everywhere. It’s as if I had been given new ears. I enjoyed my time outside. And I could literally see the huge driving force in my life ahead of me, the little one next to me and the huge army behind me. It was just me, Him, Joaquin and my team. On the path, alongside the noises that God wants me to hear – nothing else mattered. I found my peace.
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